Carolyn McCulley Chats About Hope Deferred

Last week we published Christina Holder's "Dear Daughter on Your 30th Birthday" on Ungrind. This article, which Christina wrote in the form of a letter from God, addresses the dreams and desires she's longed for, but not yet realized, in the areas of marriage and motherhood.

Christina isn't alone in her familiarity with this concept of "hope deferred." It's a subject with which author and speaker Carolyn McCulley is also well acquainted. In fact, it serves as the topic of her 2004 book, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God with a Hope Deferred.

Carolyn recently chatted with blogger Jenn Joshua about singleness. In the interview, posted on Jenn's blog, Carolyn points to contentment as a single and the dream of marriage as compatible, and not conflicting:

Finding contentment is a godly quality that we are called to cultivate throughout our lives as believers. The earlier you learn that quality of being a weaned soul before the Lord (Ps. 131), the more fruitful your life will be. To learn contentment now will serve a woman throughout her life, when certainly the issues of trusting God for her husband and children only increase the temptations for discontent and worry!

But how do singles, as Jenn asks, "balance our trust in God with our desire to take responsibility in the area of our relationships?" Carolyn states:

There's nothing passive about being a Christian, nor is there about biblical femininity. Trust is a proactive quality. It means you are working on your heart issues, your thought life, your innate selfishness. To overcome those things, you have to take action. Your responsibility as a godly woman is to encourage godliness in others, no matter what kind of relationship you have with them. So sow words of encouragement and faith in all your relationships and you will see a profound effect. Sow actions of service and loving charity in all your relationships and again, you will see a profound effect. And when the Lord brings your husband to you, you will be in the habit of proactively building up others and you will be an tremendous helpmate to him!

She goes on to offer tips on how women can be productive during their single years:

Look at what is required of a woman of noble character in Proverbs 31 and study the areas in which you lack. That's the focus of my book. Learn to bless those in your private sphere (the home, essentially). Learn the skills necessary in running a home and caring for a family (they are myriad and complicated -- it's not just dusting and cooking -- think insurance claims, medical care, mortgages, etc.).

Become financially savvy -- how to save, invest, buy property, trade profitably. And be serious about investing your single years in the lives of others. You may long for a date yourself, but if you think long and hard about Satan's assault on families today, you will realize that it is very important to do what you can to shore up the families in your local church. As families go, so goes the church. So volunteer to care for other people's children so that these couples can have some time together to build their marriages. In doing so, you are being strategic about the spiritual battles that are taking place all around you. Your spiritual adversary wants to see marriages ruined, families broken, the church maligned, and people hurt. Do what you can to stand in the gap as a wise woman of God.

The interview ends on a fun note, with Jenn asking Carolyn what four items she would take with her to a desert island. But you'll have to head over to Jenn's blog to read Carolyn's response.

For additional resources on hope deferred, check out Carolyn McCulley's three-part interview (along with Candice Watters) on Focus on the Family's Daily Broadcast. I had the opportunity to hear this recorded live last April and it is well worth a listen.

The Black Diamonds of Dating

I may be a bit of an anomaly in Colorado. While thousands of Colorado residents flock to Vail and Breckenridge each winter, ski equipment in tow, I prefer to visit these towns in the summer. Not only are they considerably less expensive, but I don't ski. Despite my inexperience, I do know that in the world of skiing, different trails are marked by different symbols. The most treacherous trails bear a black diamond.

Black diamonds aren't confined to skiing, though. In "Beware: Black Dimaond," Christina Holder writes about her experience with the "black diamonds" of dating. A black diamond, as she explains, is "a man of any nationality who defrauds a woman through disrespect and infidelity." She shares:

"But you have a girlfriend," I repeated. "If I were your girlfriend, I'd dump you. It's not right, what you are doing to her -- or to me."

We spent the next few minutes debating his dating ethics. Paye looked awkwardly at the road. Unfortunately, I've encountered Payes in Liberia and in the United States before.

I'll never forget an American man who sat beside me on a bus when I was a college student interning in Washington, D.C. He asked me on a date, and I asked him about the ring on his finger. He and his wife had an "open relationship," he said.

I wasn't open to that kind of relationship then, and I wasn't open to it now. I had dated cheaters before. My first high school boyfriend cheated on me at the tender age of 13. So did a man I dated seriously shortly after college. I still remember the loathing I had for my exes and the women who gave into their advances. I also remember thinking how I would never do what they did, should I ever be in the same situation.

Christina goes on to tell how her convictions in this area were tested with Paye.

"Beware: Black Diamond" tackles an important topic. While we've discussed married women starving crushes on Ungrind, we have yet to look at single women who find themselves pursued by unavailable men. From what I've heard though, it is a real and relevant struggle. It's also one that I'm thankful Christina offers wisdom on in her latest article.

Mail Order Boyfriend

Ungrind graphic designer Hayley Kittle—who yes, also happens to be my sister—recently put her creative energies to other uses. Her latest endeavor? A humorous short film titled Mail Order Boyfriend. I got a good laugh out of it and couldn't resist sharing it here. Enjoy!

The Age-Old Issue

I didn't set out to marry an older man. But I did. My husband Ted is 12 years my senior.

This week we were asked, along with author Suzanne Hadley and her fiancé Kevin (they are eight years apart in age), to talk about this on The Boundless Show podcast. The four of us sat down with host Lisa Anderson and chatted about what it's like to be in a relationship with a significant age difference.

Take a listen and let me know your thoughts.

God at Work in a Reader's Marriage

I received an email from a reader who found herself struggling in her marriage. This week, as we look at sacrifice in marriage in our articles on Ungrind, I believe her testimony—which she's given me permission to share—may serve to encourage others walking through similar difficulties.

The Lord I feel is urging me to share my testimony of a recent struggle I just went through and how it has changed me.

About two months ago my marriage was again in a very low place. I felt like my husband was mean, that all he did was yell at me and wasn't thankful for all I was doing. The anger and tension kept building. He didn't want to be married. I couldn't see a way that it would work out.

I took a retreat away for a day, as my husband told me I needed to get right with the Lord or nothing would be right. At the time I didn't see that I was the problem at all, or that I was away from the Lord, but God used that time to really show me some things in the Word and some books that changed MY heart. He gave me fresh hope to be a better wife and a better mom.

The Lord showed me that I was setting my desire on having my husband be the way I wanted, and that had become an idol to me. It had taken away my joy, and was more important to me than my devotion to Christ. As I set my heart on my husband behaving a certain way, I ended up disappointed, frustrated, and hurt. I was angry, bitter at words and situations I kept running over in my head from the past. God showed me that I was sinning in anger, bitterness, and unlove. I cried out to the Lord because I didn't feel like I could love my husband. But as I repented for being unloving, and asked God to help me grow new love in my heart, I can say that God slowly did. As I obeyed and took responsibility for what was going on in my heart, He took care of things in my husband's heart. I didn't have to change him.

Some of the things I meditated on were:

• Lord, empty me of my anger and hurt ... and fill me with your Spirit ! (This was so helpful.)
• Lord, help me to long after You—to know You, to know Your Word, and to obey Your Word.
• Help me to set my heart on serving and worshiping You, instead of focusing only on my marriage problems.
• Help me to be aware of when I am being bitter (ungrateful, judging my husband's motives, excessive sorrow, vengefulness, brooding, loss of joy, critical attitude), and instead to put on kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiving thoughts.
• Help me to overlook an offense.
• Remember God is using all things, including marriage to shape and mold us to be more like Him.

One of our goals here at Fresh Brew is to encourage one another. If you are encouraged by this or have your own story of how God has worked in your marriage, leave a comment. We'd love to hear from you!

Your BEST Valentine's Day ever!

Have you ever had a Valentine's Day where you felt sorry for yourself? That was me last year. I've got an article coming up on Ungrind that explores how a good guy friend taught me that Valentine's Day isn't such a big deal—and that there are more productive ways to use my time on Valentine's Day than feeling sorry for little ol' me.

But there are some redeeming qualities to Valentine's Day (beyond the flowers and chocolates and a love of your life). Namely, V-Day can teach us so much about sacrificial love.

On that note, I have a great idea to help make your February 14th the best Valentine's Day ever.

About four years ago, a group of my girlfriends and I started visiting a nursing home and painting the residents' fingernails. It is amazing what a simple manicure can do to change the affect and even the life of an elderly woman.

Women who feel lonely, forgotten, and abandoned are reminded that they are beautiful and treasured. It speaks deeply to a woman's desire to feel beautiful and wanted. And it provides a wonderful opportunity to tell these women how much God adores them.

I wrote about this on Ungrind back in September. It's called "Becoming Ruth," and you can read it here.

Ready to get started? Here's how:

• Ask your girlfriends, your Bible Study friends, and your co-workers to join you on a team.
• Gather your supplies. Pretty & Polished is a BYOP (Bring Your Own Polish) event!
• Contact a local nursing home and set up a time to visit.

It is amazing how just your presence is an encouragement to these ladies. I know when you talk to them and help them to feel beautiful, you are doing even more to counsel and rebuild their hearts. It's also wonderful to see how much God will encourage you by hanging out with them!

So no crying on Valentine's Day. And no eating a whole box of chocolates. Do something for someone else this Valentine's Day, and you'll have the best V-Day ever!

It's amazing how sacrificial love can have that effect.

Lord, You Want Me to Love Who?

This week we wrap up February's discussion of love with Kristi Neace's article, "My Unlovable Neighbor and Me." In it, Kristi shares how the Lord used her interactions with a difficult neighbor to bring changes in her own heart. She writes:

It was no accident that I lived next to this woman. God had placed her in my life in order to stretch me. I wasn't always the first in line to turn the other cheek when others rocked my boat. But through this relationship, God was asking me to lay down my pride and pick up the cloak of humbled heart....

While it was a long process, after continuous conviction and much weeping and gnashing of teeth, I realized that instead of harboring such bitterness and disdain, I needed a heart change. As difficult as it was, I started trying to put forth the effort to smile and wave when I saw my neighbor. I even began to share some of our garden produce in the summer months. Not only that, but on numerous occasions my husband and I would walk over and offer friendly conversation on long summer evenings. To my surprise, I started to see that there was a warm, friendly soul behind her rough exterior.

I've often found myself struggling, like Kristi, to love someone I perceive as difficult. But over the years, I've come to see that one of the best ways to see a change in my own heart is through extending love even when I don't feel like it.

During my first semester in grad school, I had one particular professor that I didn't like very much. Mainly because I felt he pushed too hard and assigned too much homework for a class I was required to take, yet didn't count toward my degree. Every week it seemed like I was working at least two hours a night on the coursework for his class alone.

Because of this, we had a rocky relationship. I was growing resentful and he could tell. But by the time the semester rolled to a close, I started to see that my attitude toward him needed to change. So, even though I didn't feel like it at all, I bought him and his family a small Christmas gift. And as I placed it in his mailbox, since he happened not to be in his office when I stopped by, I could feel the coldness in my heart starting to melt.

The thing is, as Kristi's article points to, loving our "enemies" or those we view as unlovable benefits us even more than the person we're reaching out to. Why? Because through it, we're learn how to be more like our Savior.

What about you? How have you dealt with loving those you've had difficulty with? Does Kristi's article encourage you to grow in this area?

Walking in Godlike Love

Over the weekend, my husband and I watched Spider-Man 3 on DVD. We'd both seen the film before, but because of the extremely high expectations I brought with me to the theater, I'd walked away disappointed. And because of my disappointment, too distracted to be impacted as I should have been by the movie's central theme: forgiveness.

It wasn't until I saw the film a second time that I met the credits with a quiet "wow." For several days, I found myself reflecting on the freedom forgiveness brought to the characters Peter Parker, Mary Jane Watson, Harry Osborn, and Flint Marko. And the literal death bitterness resulted in for Eddie Brock.

This week both of our articles focus on the issue of forgiveness. In the first, "The Freedom of Forgiveness," author and speaker Paula Friedrichsen lays the groundwork of what forgiveness is and the biblical reasons for practicing it. She writes:

Certainly, apologizing goes a long way in making amends and healing offenses—but it's not "I'll say I'm sorry if you say you're sorry." Forgiveness is a gift with no strings attached. It's a gift to the offender, a gift to ourselves, and a gift to God. One which He requires us to give.

Let's face it, forgiveness is not what they write love songs about. It's not touchy-feely or romantic. Forgiveness is not for sissies. It doesn't feel good. Forgiving is for the brave at heart and the determined. It's perhaps the most Godlike love there is.

The second article "The Marriage Fight" gives us a real-life example of this Godlike love in action. When talking about the infidelity that took place in her marriage, writer Stormy Hill shares:

Within a few days after finding out about the affair, my anger started to subside enough for me to see that I wanted to fight for my marriage. Not because I was a saintly woman capable of great forgiveness on my own. Nor because I was a doormat who was willing to take my husband back at any cost. This desire to get my marriage back actually took me by surprise. I knew with 100% certainty that it was because it was "of God"....

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it was an easy decision to fight for our marriage. I'd never known a hurt like I experienced then and I was timid with fear. But as one of our pastors has said, "Fear is a subtle form of atheism," and I knew God was working in both my heart and in my husband's. So when it all came down to it, I didn't need to, nor should have at that point, trusted my husband. But I trusted God. And, although it's true that He does allow for divorce when it comes to adultery, He was telling me to fight for our marriage. To love and forgive my husband by showing him what Scripture terms agape love.

Stormy's story is a powerful reminder that God can work in any situation. I was deeply moved as I read her words.

What about you? What are your thoughts on this week's articles? How are you encouraged or challenged? What can you share with us from your own life experience about forgiveness?

Loving "Naomis" Through Nail Polish

Last week we published Amanda Cate's article, "Single Mom in Need of Help." While I was hopeful it'd be an encouragement for us as women to reach out to the single moms we know, I was unprepared for the attention and response the article received. It was overwhelming! I received emails and blog comments not only from those challenged to help, but from other single moms appreciative of Amanda's honesty and courage in sharing her story.

The article also started discussion over at the blog, Boundless Line. Some of it was helpful. Some of it not so much. But at least it got people thinking. And, as I discovered this morning, the discussion of Amanda's article and the topic of helping single parents continues today over at Carolyn McCulley's blog, Radical Womanhood.

Yesterday I read a related article on Radiant. Related because it also speaks of reaching out to forgotten women. In "Naomis and Nail Polish," Christina Holder (who I'm excited to say is writing a piece for us in March) talks about the ministry her and her friends have to elderly women at a local nursing home. She compares them to Naomi in the Old Testament, sharing the power a Ruth can have on these women's lives. Christina writes:

I meet a lot of "Naomis" on those nail-painting Saturdays in the nursing home....Many of them have had to leave their homes. They have lost their husbands. Some have even outlived their children. Many don't get a lot of visitors, or have loved ones who live far away. There are even those who have lost their ability to talk and to see....

But it's quite remarkable to see what happens when we, like Ruth, choose to stay....As we talk, we give them a hand massage and paint their nails. What's most amazing is to see how the ladies respond when we are done. I've seen them stretch out their freshly slicked sets of fingers painted in shades of petunia and rose. They don't just grin, but often they laugh. It's as if at that very moment, God has restored their joy and they actually believe that their old age has not eclipsed their beauty.

While reading the article, I found myself reminded of my own grandmother who now lives in an assisted living home in the Midwest. As a sufferer of Alzheimer's, the details of who she is and who we are isn't always clear to her. But from what I've been told by my family—who live much closer than I do—even in her deteriorating state, she still appreciates the same things I do as a young woman: pretty earrings and a good piece of chocolate!

So as we discuss love this month, may we not only be reminded to reach out to single moms, but to women of all ages and seasons.

Our Look at Romantic Love

Valentine's Day. For some women, it's highly-anticipated. For others, dreaded. I recently heard both ends of the spectrum while listening to the podcast, The Boundless Show. While host Lisa Anderson shared her love for the holiday even as a single woman, panelist Candice Watters discussed how she hated it for a season before getting married.

At my house, Valentine's Day is an excuse for little luxuries. A meal of Indian food from one of my favorite local restaurants and the time to take a very long, relaxing bath while Ted watches the kids. And although my husband has informed me that "Men don't care about Valentine's Day"—meaning he doesn't want anything—I am planning on doing little things to make the day special for our two daughters. My mom always made the day stand out for me and my sisters and I want to pass that on to my girls. To help me, I recently came across an article from our regular contributor Arlene Pellicane called "A Toddler Valentine." She has some fun, easy ideas I may try out this year.

When it comes to this week's articles on Ungrind, we have two pieces that focus on romantic love in honor of Valentine's Day. The first is from regular contributor Lynette Kittle. Her article "Finding Love in Unusual Places" is an encouraging, faith-filled collection of real-life accounts of how women met their husbands through unusual circumstances. It's intended to remind those of you who are still waiting, praying, and preparing for marriage that God isn't limited in how He brings couples together.

I penned our second article, "Starve a Crush." This piece was sparked by an article I read last Fall in Parents Magazine. In "Secret Mommy Crushes," the popular parenting magazine encouraged married women such as myself to harbor crushes on men other than their husbands. Let's just say this didn't sit well with me. If you haven't already read my response to this line of thinking, you can read it here.

So what about you? What are your plans for this holiday, if any? Also, share your thoughts on this week's articles. I'd love to hear what you have to say about what we've published.