Being Real 2.0

"Being Real 2.0, and Finding the Real Me" was originally published by Anne Swanson on her blog, Olives on a Monday.

Someone whom I love and respect very much asks me (nearly every time I see him) what am I going to do with my life?

I know, in his eyes being a mom and all is nice, but what am I going to do with my life? How am I going to contribute to society? He and his wife are very successful in life, and have the money to show for it.

I get it. What is my mission in life?

In this day and age with so many working moms, and women doing more than they ever have, being a stay-at-home mom seems, well, like it isn't enough.

There are plenty of moms out there who do work and have kids. We (as in Justin and I) have decided that it is important to us for me to be home with our kids. He makes plenty of money for us to live comfortably so I am able to do that.

There are times, amidst spit-up, spills, and laundry piles that I wonder, How this can be it for me? How can the majority of my life be filled with cleaning, running errands, disciplining and teaching children, and other various tasks.

Sure, I know Oprah has mentioned several times that mothers have the hardest job in the world, and the audience cheers in agreement. I can't help but wonder if inside, she is really thinking how thankful she is not to be a stay-at-home mom.

When I got married, I quickly realized that I couldn't be as selfish as I once was. I was now joined with this man, and we were one. Yikes!

I think so many marriages fail mostly out of pure selfishness, and that one or both spouses have no interest in being "bossed around" by the other and they are not going to change or make sacrifices for another person!

Then, when children enter the scene, you have to become even less selfish and sacrifice so much more. Freedom becomes much more limited as you are now responsible for another life!

All these changes got me to thinking about who I am. I've been married over 7 years now, and we have three young boys. How did I get here, and where did "I" go? I mean, I don't know exactly where I did see myself, or who I was supposed to be, but it didn't seem like this was it.

How am I supposed to find any part of who I am when it seems all my time is given to my husband, kids, and others? Who am I?

A few weeks ago we had a guest speaker, Peter Hubbard, at our church who talked about our mission in life.

He told a story about how he was waiting for his wife at the mall and he asked several people who happened to come sit where he was if they knew what their purpose in life was.

He talked about one girl who was confident in her purpose to become a teacher and tell people about Jesus. Another middle-aged man had no clue, but the majority of people really hadn't thought about it much and just gave general answers you might expect -- to have a good job, enjoy family and friends, and be successful and contributing to society in some way.

As I read Marian's article at Ungrind this week, it really hit home. I thought back to that sermon a few weeks ago. I thought about my mission in life. How authentic was I being in that?

It seems like I have everything backwards. I'm being real with girlfriends and leaving my husband wondering what was going on inside my head. He often comments that he can't read my mind, so why do I so often expect him to?

What was my life mission, and if someone came up to me today and asked, how would I respond?

Pastor Hubbard gave us a list to use as guidelines as we look at ourselves -- our real mission in life. He encouraged us to ask someone close to us to ask these questions. It's not a check-list, to check off and say, "Yes! I must be saved!" But, rather to indicate that you are part of the people of God.

Here are a few:

Do you see evidences that I am saved? In the way I am honest about who I am and what I do?

Do you hear me confess my sins? Do I repent?

How do I receive and give forgiveness?

Do you see me trusting in Christ as my only hope for righteousness?

Am I intentionally building relationships with the lost?

Do I worry too much about how others perceive me?

Am I using my time and (our) money wisely?

Do you see me moving from things that use to bind me?

What better person to ask than my husband who sees me everyday. In the good and the bad (and ugly) am I living authentically for Christ? Am I on the mission for Jesus Christ?

As I define my authentic self, who I want to really be, it really is simple, and that is OK.

I am a sinner saved by grace, and I pray that during this short life here on earth I will be as Marion desires and describes in her article.

"Authenticity, let it flow. Let it be real and raw and full of God."

May that be my life mission ... full of God, on a mission for Jesus Christ no matter where I am or what I am doing.

"Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation." 1 Peter 2:12

What Really Matters

The return address on the envelope filled me with a sense of foreboding. It was from "Photo Enforcement" and contained a traffic ticket, complete with full-color photographs of the back of my car and a close up of my license plate.

The infraction was minor: "Failure to stop at a red light before turning right." The photograph showed no other cars in the intersection. I am a careful driver, and I always look before turning right. Apparently, this time I had not come to a complete stop –- and a camera was watching.

As I stared at the ticket, frustration seized me. I railed inwardly and outwardly about the ticket, even posting a Facebook status so I could share my feelings with the world.

Anger is not an emotion I experience often, but that afternoon I was mad. The ticket's implications ballooned out of proportion in my mind. I was angry with the police for punishing me for a minor mistake while allowing others to drive recklessly, I was frustrated because European road rules are different and I was still adjusting to America's after living overseas, and I was mad at myself for not being perfect.

Philippians 1:9 is underlined in my Bible: "And I pray this: that your love will keep on growing in knowledge and every kind of discernment, so that you can determine what really matters and can be pure and blameless in the day of Christ." Every day, I make endless decisions about what really matters. My students are disrespectful in class. I drop my favorite coffee mug, breaking it into several pieces. I get a traffic ticket in the mail. My reactions to these situations show whether or not I think they really matter. From an eternal viewpoint, does it matter that my coffee mug is broken? Does it matter that I got a traffic ticket and have to pay $50?

God is more concerned about my heart's responses to these situations than He is about the actual ticket, mug, or stressful situation at work. My decisions are what really matter.

Do I decide to be angry or to be at peace? To forgive or to hold a grudge? To worry or to trust? My gut reactions are still often wrong. An unexpected blow like the traffic ticket can fill me with frustration for a few hours, but eventually God reminds me of His priorities. He is teaching me to discern, as He does, what really matters, and to let the rest of life's circumstances go.

I have to pay my traffic ticket, but I don't have to let it ruin my day because, well, it doesn't really matter.

Hello, Hello, Hello!

I am silly, but my husband is more so. His enthusiasm and sense of humor are two of the things that drew him to me in the first place. But once in a while, his phone manners bewilder me!

The phone will ring. He'll answer, "Hello, Hello, Hello!!!" (say this enthusiastically, getting louder with each hello). Other times he might answer, "You've got the questions. We've got the answers." As a realtor, he answered recently, "Going broke realty, how may we help you?"

Well, since this month on Ungrind is about authenticity, I realized something. My husband is just being his real self, even when answering the phone! I just hope whoever calls can appreciate his sense of humor. Instead of changing our loved ones when we think they are acting inappropriately, maybe we should just loosen up and let them be authentic!

The Speechless Wife

"I'm speechless," I told my husband Ted the other night.

"Really?" He laughed. "I'll have to remember in the future what I said."

While Ted and I have faced our share of difficulties, a lack for words isn't one of them. Since its beginnings, our relationship has been marked by a decent communication flow. I haven't struggled with having a husband who plays the strong, silent type. And, as I've already noted, most of the time he has a not-so-speechless wife.

But I know that not all marriages are like ours.

In this week's article "Hungry," Marian Green candidly shares her struggle to openly talk with her husband. She writes:

By the time I get home, I'm in a total funk. My husband asks if we had a good time at the park and I jerk my head toward him in response, giving him a "How dare you ask such a question!" look that sends him back upstairs to his office.

Instead of talking to him about my feelings, I stew over them –- alone....

Thinking back over the last several years, I can hear the message I have sent to my husband multiple times: "This woman over here, the one who is hurting and feels abandoned, she is more important than you." Of course, I never said this aloud, but when I stayed out two hours longer than I told him and returned home emotionally spent, this is what it sounded like to him.

Fortunately, Marian's story doesn't end there. Read how she and her husband are working to be more authentic with one another here.

Even though Ted and I communicate well, I personally found this article encouraging. After all, there is always room for growth -- even for this not-so-speechless wife.

The Guest Blogger ... Me!

Over the summer, I attended a tea in Denver for Moody Publisher's book, Pearl Girls: Encountering Grit, Experiencing Grace. There I had an opportunity to hear Margaret McSweeney, who compiled the book, share her heart.

Today I'm featured as a guest blogger at the book's blog. For those who have read Ungrind for awhile, you may recognize my post. It's taken from my July article, "Starve a Crush Club."

So head on over to the Pearl Girls' blog and please leave a comment there!

Fresh Brew Fridays: Keeping It Real

"Keeping It Real" was originally published by Anne Swanson on her blog, Olives on a Monday.

I can't STAND it when people are fake with me.

I once knew someone that I didn't see all that often, but when I did I got that over the top, fake bubbly attitude, and plastered on smile. I could never figure out who she really was underneath all her words.

I've thought about it though -- that while I might not be a complete fake with people, I might not be as real as I can be with people.

What I mean is on a personal level am I willing to admit my faults? Can I admit I can be weak and weary? Do I ask for prayer and help with my struggles?

Not enough.

In the past few years, my best friend and I who are now separated by hundreds of miles have been better at being more genuine with one another. Being more open and honest than we ever before -- even when we lived together in college. We have worked through some hard things together. Things that needed to be revealed to each other so we could help each other and heal, to point each other to Christ.

I've only recently realized the need to be more authentic, more real with the people I see most. It's been three years since we torn up our roots in Wisconsin and moved to Kentucky, and in those short three years Justin and I have met some amazing, lifelong friends. We have been so blessed to find and become members of an amazing church body. A church plant, and still relatively small, we have a group of amazingly, tight-knit people who genuinely love and care for one another. The display of love from friends who are excited and passionate about Christ has shown me that I can be more open and transparent with them.

It has been so rewarding and encouraging to be able to humble myself, and confess my struggles, my weaknesses, my pains.

The articles this month over at Ungrind have been so encouraging to read as I see these woman struggle as I have. As I think about who I am, what I want to be.

An authentic, godly woman -- from the depths of me -- this is what I long to be. And I want to struggle well to become this. I'm thankful that God is continuing to show me more and more about the healing He wants to give me, most of all, in my relationship with Him. As Tim Keller says, "all of life is repentance." So if that's the case, and I believe it is, then confession must happen all the time to God and to the people he has put in our lives.

Like Samantha talks about in her article, "An Uptown Confession," I too hope I can become a more authentic and godly woman as I swallow my pride and become more honest, transparent, and real with others.

Behind Closed Doors

One evening before dinner, I rushed my three kids to do their chores. Teasing them, I acted like an angry drill sergeant and barked out silly orders. "Clean up that mess!" "I don't want to see crumbs on my floor!"

The kids giggled and scurried around. I stood at the bottom of the stairs -- not two feet from the front door -- and playfully hollered up at the kids, clapping as I shouted, "Move it! Move it! Move it! Now! Now! NOW!"

And at that precise moment, it happened. The doorbell rang. Immediately I realized that the person on the other side of the door had just heard me scream at my children to "Move it ... now!" Oh, dear. I didn't want to face my visitor, but I also couldn't pretend to not be home. My shouts had clearly proven I was there.

Sheepishly, I opened the door, and faced the lady from across the street. I'd long-suspected she disliked me, and now I'd just given her another reason to disapprove.

I gave her my best pastor-wife, "Hellooo!" She handed me a bag of tomatoes, which I pretended to be thrilled with, and I lied that of course we love tomatoes. Through our whole polite conversation, she never asked why I'd just yelled at my children, but her eyes looked at me as though she were thinking, "I know your secret. I know what you're really like."

I didn't try to defend myself. After all, I'd done nothing wrong; I knew I'd only been playing. Mostly, though, I knew she wouldn't have believed me if I'd tried to explain. "Did you just hear me yelling at my kids? Well, I was just teasing. They love it when I do that." Mm-hmm.

We said our goodbyes and I closed the door. I walked directly to the kitchen and tossed every single one of those tomatoes in the trashcan, one by one.

Why do I try so hard to keep up appearances? One author calls it "image management." I fight to maintain the illusion of perfection, even about the craziest things. But the truth is, I yell at my kids -- for real, not just in play. I watch too much TV -- even reruns of things I've already seen. I pretend to love tomatoes, only to throw them all away.

It's phony. It's inauthentic. And, honestly, it's exhausting. Authenticity takes courage. It is often difficult and even embarrassing. But authenticity pleases God. He wants my private life to match my public image. God wants me to show what's behind closed doors.

Apologies Worth Uttering

In our first year of marriage, my husband Ted told me regularly that I apologized too much. Yep, that's right, too much.

It wasn't that apologies weren't warranted from me. They were -- often. The problem was I'd fallen into a default mode of saying I was "sorry" for anything and everything, including situations and circumstances I had no control over. I apologized when a fast-food order was wrong. Not because I filled the order wrong. Obviously, I didn't. But I had suggested that particular drive-thru, therefore I took responsibility. I said, "I'm sorry," if I happened to accidentally bump into Ted in the kitchen. A bump I doubt he even minded.

I've learned a lot about apologies in our almost 7-years of marriage. I no longer offer "I'm sorry" for situations that aren't my fault. I also like to think that I've grown even more sensitive and quick to apologize when I have sinned against Ted.

Sometimes the art of apology can seem tricky. But the truth is, it's not. This week, Focus on the Family's new blog, Young Married Life, examines apology in two posts: "Saying Sorry" and "The Right Way to Confess Sin: Specific and Brief."

In "Saying Sorry," newlywed Suzanne Gosselin looks at how apologies are good for marriage:

A quickness to say "I'm sorry" allows love and trust to deepen.... It is healing for me to confess to my husband how my sin has affected our relationship and tell him I am sorry. He's always very gracious and willing to forgive. By the same token, his willingness to apologize communicates how much he cares about me and our relationship.

My husband Ted, in "The Right Way to Confess Sin: Specific and Brief," moves from the benefits of apology to the practical. Drawing from the Peacemaker Ministries's Blog, he writes:

Instead of being surprised by our sin, or the sins of others, we should learn how to deal with it rightly.... C.J. Mahaney, best known for his passionate awe of the cross of Christ, wrote about wrong ways to deal with your sin, and right ways. Wrong ways include using the word "if" (e.g., "I'm sorry if you were offended"), providing lengthy explanations of why you sinned, requesting understanding for your sin, being indignant about being caught, and so on.

The thing is, such honest and vulnerable and responsible confession of sin is actually liberating, because there is One who is able to thoroughly forgive sin -- any sin. Because of the death of the only righteous Man ever to have existed, sin may be completely forgiven.

My New Favorite Bag

I have a new favorite bag -- and I do mean favorite.

My frenchy bag is a soft shade of blue, made of fabric from Amy Butler's Lotus collection. Each time I sling it over my shoulder, the frazzled state of mommy that I often wear disappears and I suddenly feel girly again, and dare I say, even hip.

Yes, it's safe to say I'm smitten with my bag. Completely.

So where did I buy it?

It was made for me by my friend and Ungrind regular contributor, Marian Green. She and her husband Nathan are in the process of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. To help raise funds, Marian has pulled out her sewing machine. My frenchy bag is one of many helping to bring their daughter home.

Marian is documenting their journey on their blog, And Then There Were Six. In her first post, she writes:

Six months ago, Nathan and I watched Willow Creek's leadership video, "A Thousand Questions," an unspeakably moving poem urging us to move, to do something ... Here I Am, Lord. Send Me. Crocodile tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat in the back pew of our church in South Dakota. I knew exactly what God wanted. He wanted all of us. Our hearts, our obedience, our finances, our love.

It was time to say "yes" to a familiar adventure -- in a new way. We were called to adopt.

Many of you know the intense battle we fought for our oldest son. It was a four year journey of trust and reliance. Never in our married life have we felt so loved by our community. When it was over, my husband was the legal father to my oldest son, and we thought, "Whew! We don't EVER want to go through that again!"

Except that now we do. In January, we said, "Sure. Bring it on."

Boy did He ever. Since that video, we have accepted a new job, moved across country (again!), bought our first house, put a ton of sweat into the walls, comforted our sons when they miss their friends, signed a lease for a new church buiding, wrote a book, built a kayak, and learned that -- yes -- there are fleas in Virginia and our dogs have invited them all over to play.

Yet she has followed me everywhere. Our daughter, I mean. I have gone through an online adoption orientation, a state foster care orientation, and have talked to so many homestudy agencies that they have to remind me that I've already called. We are ready. I am ready.

Anne Swanson first introduced me to Marian a couple years ago and since then I have grown to love this woman as a dear friend. She's about as authentic as it gets. I can't wait for the day when this little girl that has followed Marian from South Dakota to Virginia is safely in her mommy and daddy's arms.

Until that day, I think of her each time I sling my new favorite bag over my shoulder.

Authentically Surprised

I'm not someone who really enjoys being surprised -- except when it comes to God's surprises. He plans the kind that are least expected, yet fill desires and needs that I often wasn't even aware of in my life.

Psalm 127:3 states, "The Lord has done great things for us; We are glad." This week's articles touch on this. They share how God has surprised the writers, like me, in unexpected ways.

In "The Plywood Palace," Natalie LaFrance-Slack tells of an unpredicted gift of true friendship. She writes:

Authentic friendship is hard to come by. Often God grants it to us when we least expect it. And I don't think we have many great friendships in our lifetime. Though Kate and I both moved out of the apartment building within a year and now over a thousand miles separate us, she remains my closest friend. She is a faithful prayer partner, a sounding board for my frustrations and dreams, and the best friend I could ever ask for. Because our close proximity forced us to be honest and open 5 years ago –- we can remain authentic and real now.

Karen Trigg in "The Transparent Me," discusses how she was amazed to discover the gift she has to offer in friendship. She says:

At first, I believed it was humiliating for me to let my new friends see just how much I lacked. In my distorted thinking, I assumed that I needed to measure up to some hash mark on the Christian yard stick before I could deem myself "usable" by God in this type of relationship.

As I wrestled with the Lord, I told Him that because of my insufficiency I was the wrong person for the job. I was shocked when I saw that from His perspective -- I was exactly what He wanted. I learned, perhaps for the first time in my life, that the very thing I viewed as a weakness was in fact what God considered a strength. He intended to use my imperfection as a gift to those I agreed to invest in.

Here at Fresh Brew, we would love to hear your stories of how God has surprised you in the area of authenticity.